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| It's been almost a year (again) and I'm back writing here. The past couple weeks I have been in a very pensive mode. There's so much I've thought about and don't understand. I've seen some patterns in my life that I'd like to change, most of them are familial and I see things in my parents that I don't want for me or my children. Trying to fight it only makes it larger, and because you become what you behold, the more I idolize those fears, the more likely I am to actually connect with those things I don't want in my life. (When you truly behold Jesus, you become like Him. It's a principle, you become what you behold). Now that I'm aware of those patterns, they will change. But it feels like I'm not doing anything. Feelings themselves are a completely different topic, however. Feelings are the interpretation of emotion. Emotions are universal in a sense, everyone experiences the same emotions, but feelings can be learned from the culture that surrounds you, feelings are how you interpret the emotion. That can be both good and bad then, but nothing is impossible with God. But don't focus on that as much as on what I'm about to say... Usually when these pensive-sessions happen with me, new things are created, and a new season begins, so though it seems like a valley, I'm really climbing up a mountain. Along with being pensive, I have also been under a lot of "stress", and by "stress" I mean the everyday things of life that only really seem "stressful" because I don't see the purpose in it. Now that I re-read what I just said, I really am not "under" anything but the covering of the blood of Jesus. Stress isn't something to be overtaken by, it is something to be overcome. And on top of that, a situation is only "stressful" when you don't see its purpose! Isaiah saw roses blooming out of deserts--- roses don't bloom in deserts, but they will when you see the deserts and wastelands as situations that push you into your destiny. If those same "stressful" situations are what push me further towards Christ, then bring it on you know? As you discover who you are, and as your perspective changes, then situations can't overcome you, because you have set your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of your faith; they don't have any power.
This morning I woke up feeling pretty down, almost in a depressed state, which isn't like me at all but has been a substrate of whatever's breaking forth in me. It was the same feeling you get when you have a bad dream, and you wake up in the morning and you feel as if something's wrong. And I thought I was doing something wrong-- I must have if I felt like it you know? It's very strange. Then I thought it was a sign of PMS (go ahead and laugh haha), but after days of waking up like this, I finally caught on today. For two weeks I was trying to interpret what I was feeling, and it got me nowhere because I thought I must be doing something wrong if I'm waking up feeling so down and pensive, or having trouble sleeping, or waking up from a decent night's rest and feeling worse than when I went to bed. But God is faithful and is changing something in me. I praise God!! I don't know the season to which I am moving into, but it's new, and I praise God that He takes me higher and that He continually persues me, even when I don't think I'm persuing Him enough. Last night, Bishop Tutor Bismark (in an example) said "When there's a mist over Richmond, it doesn't mean that Richmond's not there anymore." It's like this state is a mist, and when I break through, so much more will be revealed. When I stopped and realized that, it was gone...
I love these verses from Isaiah 35..
1 The wilderness and the wasteland shall be glad for them, And the desert shall rejoice and blossom as the rose; 2 It shall blossom abundantly and rejoice... 10 And the ransomed of the LORD shall return, And come to Zion with singing, With everlasting joy on their heads. They shall obtain joy and gladness, And sorrow and sighing shall flee away.
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| A few nights ago, I was having a conversation with Jonathan-- we were standing in front of a huge map of the world in Tompkins Hall and found some islands near the Philippines called Micronesia. Earlier that night I had shared with him some things I had learned about those islands, and miraculously it has brought back a lot of memories. Not memories from experience, but a lot of feelings and passions I'd had about that area, about the poverty there (or what Americans would label "poverty"). Growing up in America has been a blessing and I am quite fortunate to have the upbringing that I've had. However, I cannot deny the feelings within me for the lost and the broken.. All of this randomness in this entry spurred from an email I found today I had written to a friend of mine a few months ago.. Here's some portions I've selected -
I love people!! I want to live in another country, live among the people, suffer with the people, the world. I want to know what it's like not knowing where my next meal's coming from, or what it's like not having a clean bathroom, or yet--a bathroom at all. Paul said, "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor 12:10) I want the hardship! It's going to make me stronger... Another thing, right before Paul said that he had received the thorn in his flesh, and pleaded with God three times (over and over again) for Him to take it from him, and God said "My grace is sufficient for you.."-- I want to know what that means in its fullest content!! I want to know how to depend on God, and truly lean on His everlasting arms not just in small things, like needing money for the next car payment-- but truly trusting Him with my life...
Recently, I had received an email from webShots about new photos online. I had a few minutes to spare at work, so I checked them out and happened to see a tropical picture taken from Micronesia (which I had never heard of). So, I looked it up and Micronesia is in a group of islands in Guam (If I remember correctly) and it so happens that there's a tree there whose pods contain a cotton-like material which is used in a lot of bedding, comforters, pillows, etc. There's my textile application!! :) I checked into missions in that area, but the ones I found were Latter-day Saints and Seventh-day Adventists. What was cool though, when I was talking to Curt Harlow about it at unBuckle, he's gonna get me some contacts for that area with some people in YWAM... I guess since God's been revealing so much, or at least I've been seeing so much, I've also had to pray for patience! I have a couple more years left of school, but if I had the chance, I'd be in ministry right now. It's where my heart is--
That was over a year ago, and I know where I'm at now, I would probably respond differently. I could sit here and analyze myself, why those things meant so much to me, or why I wanted hardship then, maybe I still do.. But all of "that" isn't what I'm writing about here. I remember where I was then--
How do we get so far away from things we are passionate about? How do we "forget" these things? They are within us, how do we neglect them? What happens in our lives that we choose to do other things that seem more "important"? Have we become blindly obedient to the world? Have we lost a sense of individualism? Have we chosen to follow a standardized "right path", not realizing that what's within us is a sure guarantee of genuine happiness? How do we grow in life, and come back to being stirred and moved by things we once cared so much about, and put so much of ourselves into? Did we really ever forget in the first place? What's preoccupied our destiny?
A popular verse from the Bible in 1 Cor. 13 states that "Love never fails". When you truly love something, there's nothing that will stop you from doing it. Martin Luther King sought equality, he loved it, it didn't stop him. Yes, he was killed, but he didn't stop. Someone else-- a lady that went by "Peace Pilgrim" walked 25,000 miles in her lifetime for peace. It changed her life, it changed the lives of others. Even in her old age, she was 100% healthy, no sickness, nothing - she died in a car accident. Again, I emphasize that she didn't stop... So, what do I love? Jesus, ministry, miracles, healing, signs, wonders all the way to something as simple as music(piano). Am I persuing those things as though I love them?...
Any thoughts or comments on this is greatly appreciated and wonderfully considered... I'd love to hear it all...
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| Longer post on prosperity coming soon :)
But for now...
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| If the road less-traveled is the road
you travel the most, then is it really
less-traveled? | | |
| *edit: i added an extra paragraph this morning (it's in the lighter gray) haha...
This is an expansion off an earlier xanga post I wrote a couple weeks ago. I know most of you won't read it because my xangas are usually long, and most of the time they don't flow very well, but anyways....
A lot as been on my mind lately about love.. and life... I'll start with a recap of that post, and then I'll expand--
From 1 John 4: "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
Complacency makes you more susceptible to accepting that fear. Fear and perfect love cannot exist together, and certainly not with each other. Further in 1 John 4, John writes that God is [always] love: "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." and Matthew 5:48 states "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Human love will never be perfect on its own, human love is a choice, godly agape love is action, it's a being. This love wasn't created. This Love is the CREATOR. And therefore, you can combine the verses: be perfect as our Father is perfect --> Be love, therefore, as your heavenly Father is love. Love as a noun. Love as a name. Love as a being.
--> NEW
That's why love betweeen a man and a woman is so unique. It's unlike any other love. It's not like the love for family. It's not like a love for friends. Love between a man and a woman represents the love we should share with our Creator. More accurately, love between a husband and wife represents the love of Christ for His church, which was written about all throughout Song of Soloman (yes, I said Song of Soloman).
I was thinking randomly the other day, and-- it started as I was thinking about a verse in Matthew (10:37) that says "He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me." and then got to thinking about loving Christ more than my family. I've been stepping out into things a lot of Christians don't like talking about. I'm getting to the point in my faith where I'm stepping into the miraculous, I want the mysteries. I want to prophesy. I want to discern spirits and perform miracles. I want to heal people and then tell them Who did it. That scares a lot of people, my family and friends included, and a lot of Christians as well. I want to walk into a classroom and people want to sit next to me because they've heard about things I've been a part of on campus for Jesus Christ. But I love my Savior first. And I refuse to let others' insecurities about the mysteries to prevent me from stepping into that. Because now that's where my heart is. More than friends. More than family. I love Jesus Christ first and foremost.
Then.. that got me thinking: what if I was in love with a man that most people thought is too radical? Would it bother me what other people thought? (No.) Would God want that, would that be His will? (umm DUH hahaha.) Since when is being radical for Christ a negative thing, and why have people made it seem that way? One thing I've always looked for in a future-spouse was that I wanted the way he lives his life to make me want Christ more. Now, I have the greatest Husband of all, Jesus Christ! Isaiah 54:5 "For your Maker is your husband, the LORD Almighty is his name" and in the future, God will bless me with a husband on this earth because Hebrews 11:1 states that "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." I can't wait :)
At church today in worship, the Spirit just hit me and I started crying more tears of joy (I say "more" because I did the same thing Saturday night at 24-Hour Worship) because "You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world"(1 John 4:4) I am greater than this world. I'm greater than anything Satan throws at me because Jesus beat it, the victory is His, the victory is mine (I really wanted to add a "thus sayeth the Lord" there haha). Faith puts the key in the ignition, confidence hits the gas pedal. When you accelerate, you build speed, and the enemy can't keep up. And every pot hole that comes along in the road, you fly over more and more. Don't let the enemy get the best of you. And don't give him too much credit. I remember a story one time from my youth pastor about Satan sending demons out to haunt believers, and they came back with nothing to do. It's not a real story, but it demonstrates something-- don't create something that's not there. Don't look for something bad happening in your life, the hardships. Let your Father regain control of your heart and mind. Who wants to be miserable? God wants the best for you, He doesn't want you to suffer. His son suffered for us on a cross 2000 years ago so that we might become a kingdom of priests, so that we might have life, and life to the fullest! And yes, he died-- but He beat the enemy and raised Himself from the dead. He's alive! He wants us to forcefully advance the kingdom (Matt 11:12), not sit around in misery. Sure, we all have trials. We're not always okay with bad situations, tough situations, pain or hurt and that's normal. I'm certainly not okay with them, because I refuse to be complacent to fear, I refuse to be complacent with the author of Fear (by the way, that's not God lol). Remember, God disiplines those He loves (Hebrews 12), not punishes. Back to the verse in 1 John 4, There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. He doesn't punish us, so don't punish yourself either. To live is Christ.
At the end of worship, my friend Brittani came up to me and gave me a word, and it touched up those things I've faced this weekend-- one being self-esteem. It's funny how I'm slow to realize I struggle with something, and then it hits me when someone calls it out in me. But Hallelujah, that low self-esteem is no more! I want people to see me as my Father sees me, and that's my naked heart (1 Samuel 16:7). And to even combat the self-esteem further, I've decided not to wear makeup until I can see myself as God's eyes and not in the world's. I want my husband to see me as God sees me. I want the world to see me as God sees me, and believers too. Brittani also quoted the Isaiah 54 verse above "For your Maker is your husband"... it was amazing confirmation. I told her later how accurate she was with what she said, that it really touched some things I'd been going through. I shared also that I've been so impatient with some things latley, that even today in the service I couldn't help but think Hey, one day soon that's going to be me in the pulpit, it's going to be me talking up there. She totally knew where I was at. It was very very sweet :)
That's God's will for my life, and I know it because everything in my heart speaks so. How do you know God's will for your life? It's actually the number one question most Christians ask and pray for. The desires in your heart are God-given and are not without purpose. Your heart and your intuition never lie. And neither does the Word. Just be open and real with yourself. The world's standards are not those of my Savior. My Savior wants the absolute best for you and for me. You really have nothing to worry about when you step into the places God's calling you, whether they be physical places or spiritual ones. Be open to change, and accept where your heart is going and be aware of God in your life. He's already there, the difference is our awareness (as said by Rob Bell in his book "Velvet Elvis".)
To close, there was a woman in Raleigh had gone to her pastor and in conversation talked about how she just wanted to be a wife, and to raise children, and be there for her husband. Her pastor told her that she had to die to that. She was so upset, she ended up coming to my pastor full of tears and explained what had happened. He told her to turn to Genesis and to rip out the page where it says (Genesis 2:24) Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. She couldn't do that and he asked why. She said "because it's the Word" and he said "EXACTLY." The Word is fully true. If your heart desires that, then who's to tell you it's wrong?
God's will is different for every individuals' life but it comes down to one thing in common: your life being your ministry. Some love writing or music, designing, ministry, drawing, teaching, working, or even being a beach bum. If that's what you have all your heart set on doing, then do it, and do it in the name of the Lord and be the best beach bum there ever was, or the best engineer, or the best musician. Win other beach bums to Christ!
i'm bad at conclusions... i'll write one later :) | | |
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